I have been re-reading this book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. Anyone who wants solid biblical child-raising advise should buy this book! I can't tell you how it has helped me to re-focus my parenting approach with my kiddos. I wanted to write you all an excerpt from the book because to me it is sooo powerful! It basically is evaluating unbiblical methods of raising our kids (such as bribery, emotional appeals, punitive approaches (such as grounding) and more). He is basically asking the reader if the strategy you use to train up your kids turns them towards Christ and the cross, or away from our need for a Savior through some kind of emotional appeal or manipulation. It's ALL about the heart of our kids...NOT their behavior. So, what are you focused on in disciplining your kids??
Here you go:
Biblical discipline addresses behavior through addressing the heart. Remember, the heart determines behavior (Proverbs 4:23 - "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" and Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."). If you address the heart biblically, the behavior will be impacted.
The expediency of dealing with behavior rather than the heart means that deep needs within the child are ignored. You can't respond to Suzie yelling at Jimmy by simply telling her to stop yelling. The problem is not that she is yelling at her brother. The problem is the anger and bitterness in her heart that her yelling expresses. If you only try to change behavior, you are missing the real issue - her heart. If you can successfully address the real issue, the behavior problem will be solved.
Superficial parenting that never addresses the heart biblically produces superficial children who do not understand what makes them tick. They must be trained to understand and interpret their behavior in terms of heart motivation. If they never have that training, they will drift through life, never understanding the internal struggles that lie beneath their most consistent behavior (and never understand that Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the answer).
Parenting that focuses only on behavior does address the heart. The problem is that the heart is addressed wrongly. Changing behavior without changing the heart trains the heart toward whatever you use as your means. If it is reward, the heart is trained to respond to reward. If approbation, the heart is trained to strive for approval, or to fear disapproval.
There is another problem. If you address only behavior in your children, you never get to the cross of Christ. It is impossible to get from preoccupation with behavior to the gospel. The gospel is not a message about doing new things. It is a message about being a new creature. It speaks to people as broken, fallen sinners who are in need of a new heart. God has given his Son to make us new creatures. God does open-heart surgery, not a face-lift. He produces change from the inside out. He rejects the man who fasts twice a week and accepts the sinner who cries for mercy.
Teaching your children to live for the glory of God must be your overarching objective. You must teach your children that for them, as for all of mankind, life is found in knowing and serving the true and living God (not themselves and their flesh). The only worthy goal for life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
The question is this: How can you move from your approach of discipline to the precious, life-giving truth that God sent His son to set people free from sin? Are you training the heart towards Christ and His cross...because if not, then you're training your child's heart towards the idols of this world.
Again, there is SO much more in this book I would LOVE to post but it would take pages. I just wanted you all to consider this in raising up your kiddos. It's been something that has been plaguing my heart lately...how to continually point my kids towards the Cross of Christ and the love and forgiveness only HE offers. They are young for such a brief time and my biggest prayer is that their life would be rooted and established deeply in the knowledge of God...and that begins with what I am focused on as I raise them up.
Here you go:
Biblical discipline addresses behavior through addressing the heart. Remember, the heart determines behavior (Proverbs 4:23 - "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" and Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."). If you address the heart biblically, the behavior will be impacted.
The expediency of dealing with behavior rather than the heart means that deep needs within the child are ignored. You can't respond to Suzie yelling at Jimmy by simply telling her to stop yelling. The problem is not that she is yelling at her brother. The problem is the anger and bitterness in her heart that her yelling expresses. If you only try to change behavior, you are missing the real issue - her heart. If you can successfully address the real issue, the behavior problem will be solved.
Superficial parenting that never addresses the heart biblically produces superficial children who do not understand what makes them tick. They must be trained to understand and interpret their behavior in terms of heart motivation. If they never have that training, they will drift through life, never understanding the internal struggles that lie beneath their most consistent behavior (and never understand that Jesus Christ and Him crucified is the answer).
Parenting that focuses only on behavior does address the heart. The problem is that the heart is addressed wrongly. Changing behavior without changing the heart trains the heart toward whatever you use as your means. If it is reward, the heart is trained to respond to reward. If approbation, the heart is trained to strive for approval, or to fear disapproval.
There is another problem. If you address only behavior in your children, you never get to the cross of Christ. It is impossible to get from preoccupation with behavior to the gospel. The gospel is not a message about doing new things. It is a message about being a new creature. It speaks to people as broken, fallen sinners who are in need of a new heart. God has given his Son to make us new creatures. God does open-heart surgery, not a face-lift. He produces change from the inside out. He rejects the man who fasts twice a week and accepts the sinner who cries for mercy.
Teaching your children to live for the glory of God must be your overarching objective. You must teach your children that for them, as for all of mankind, life is found in knowing and serving the true and living God (not themselves and their flesh). The only worthy goal for life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
The question is this: How can you move from your approach of discipline to the precious, life-giving truth that God sent His son to set people free from sin? Are you training the heart towards Christ and His cross...because if not, then you're training your child's heart towards the idols of this world.
Again, there is SO much more in this book I would LOVE to post but it would take pages. I just wanted you all to consider this in raising up your kiddos. It's been something that has been plaguing my heart lately...how to continually point my kids towards the Cross of Christ and the love and forgiveness only HE offers. They are young for such a brief time and my biggest prayer is that their life would be rooted and established deeply in the knowledge of God...and that begins with what I am focused on as I raise them up.
5 comments:
You are so right on with this Jess... I am borrowing this post for my blog! I love that book and this is a great portion of it that really hits on the BIG piece we should all be looking at when raising our kiddos. You are a great momma with great intention!!
We really liked this book too; however, I had a hard time getting through a lot of it. I am now reading a book by Ginger Plowman called "Don't Make Me Count to Three." It is exactly the same principles as Shepherding (she actually refers to Shepherding quite a bit), but gives ALOT more application/practical ways to implement the stuff. It has already helped me bring the heart issues down to my kids age and situations (now that they are arguing over things!). Anyway, thought I would put that book out there as well-I am enjoying it too!
Thanks so much Brandy! That would be a good addition to the shepherding book...more application is always a great thing! :)
Thanks! I am just now getting to this "what do I do" stage!!!
We love that one too! Jon and Andrea told us about it.
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